Health Update: Health Update: ‘Ghostlighting’ is a disturbing new dating trend. What is it? – What Experts Say– What Experts Say.
The dating world is getting more harrowing by the minute.
Just when you thought “ghosting” − or disappearing on someone you’re dating without warning − was enough of a problem, a new trend has entered the zeitgeist that’s even worse. It’s called “ghostlighting.”
Essentially a toxic combo of “ghosting” and “gaslighting,” ghostlighters drop all communication only to reinitiate contact later, as if nothing ever happened. To make matters worse, they’ll often try to gaslight the person they were dating into believing there was no ghosting in the first place.
“Instead of owning it, they brush it off like it’s no big deal and then make an excuse like ‘it seemed like you were super busy so I didn’t want to bother you,’ ” says Amy Chan, a dating expert and the author of “Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” coming April 2026. “What makes it different from simple ghosting is the psychological twist. Ghosting is avoidance. Ghostlighting adds distortion by manipulating the facts so you doubt your own reality.”
How romantic.
The problem with ‘ghostlighting’
Ghostlighting can take many forms. It can happen when the ghostlighter texts you out of the blue. It can happen when they suddenly engage with your posts on social media. It can happen when they try to subtly slide back into your DMs.
Usually, ghostlighters will attempt to pick up exactly where they left off, with no acknowledgement of their disappearance.
Ghostlighting’s rise should come as no surprise, Chan says. After all, thanks to dating apps and more people meeting online in general, daters tend to stay in a state of ambiguity with each other for longer than they did in the past.
“Many connections now exist in a gray zone,” she says. “You are texting. You are seeing each other. But nothing has been explicitly defined. That ambiguity gives people an easy exit. And when someone can exit without consequence, they often do.”
Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men, says the rise of ghostlighting means it’s all the more important to evaluate potential partners by their actions more than their words. Do they show up? Do they communicate consistently? And, if they don’t do either of these things, how do they react when you bring that up to them?
“Actions speak louder than words,” Anderson says. “Things happen. Maybe something came up in their personal life. Maybe they weren’t ready to date. But, if they don’t mention or apologize for the fact they previously disappeared, I would call them out on it, because do you really want to be with someone who could do that again for no reason?”
Are you getting ‘ghostlighted’? Here’s what to do:
Have you fallen victim to ghostlighting? Well, it might not be a bad idea to call Casper out.
“If you’re on the receiving end of ghostlighting, do not smooth it over,” Chan says. “If someone resurfaces after disappearing, name it calmly. ‘When you stopped responding, I took that as a lack of interest and a lack of communication.’ Then pause and see how they handle it. Do they acknowledge it and take responsibility? Or do they deflect and minimize?”
If they react well − ie., with a genuine apology and a valid explanation for vanishing − then, Chan says, you can consider if they’re worth a second chance.
But, no matter what, don’t try to figure out why this person ghostlighted you. Or worse, blame yourself for their actions.
“It can drive you crazy trying to psychoanalyze the person and figure out why they did it,” Chan says. “What actually helps is not solving the mystery. It is allowing yourself to process the hurt. Acknowledge that it felt dismissive. That it disappointed you. That you wanted something more respectful. The open loop closes not when you figure them out, but when you accept what their behavior showed you and decide what you will and will not tolerate going forward.”
And, please, if you’re the ghostlighter, take some accountability.
“Be the change you want to see in the dating world,” Anderson says. “That often starts with being high integrity and being open and honest and direct about your feelings.”